purpose?

What is life all about? What's the point of it all? What's my purpose? Do I have a purpose? Am I supposed to make an impact in some way? How am I supposed to leave a legacy?

I'm at a very odd place in life. I feel called to do ministry and feel like it is what I am supposed to do. Yet, hearing statements like, "Because ministry makes you feel good, does not mean you are supposed to do it." Some how I feel like this has influenced why I am going into ministry. I feel like kids have made me feel alive. Every interaction with a child my heart soars and fills me with such joy. However, I understand ministry is not for me, it is for the children. I am so confused at the point of what I am actually supposed to do with my life. 

If ministry is completely removed from my life as an option, what would I do? Honesty, if being able to work with kids was removed from my life I'd fall to pieces. The only thing I could possibly do it teach math. Which, no matter how much I miss math, does not excite me. 

I am very excited for my possible opportunity to go overseas with KidsAlive International this summer. However, I have been made aware of the things that are going on and need change in my life so that I can do affective ministry. Therefore, even though I would have an amazing time, pour my heart out, and, yet, not minister in the way I desire to do. However, if I do not do this internship this summer, I would have to do an internship next summer, which would prolong my education at Wheaton. If I were to somehow become a GRA, I would be able to extend my program over the next two years. This freaks my momma out for some reason. I am totally fine with extending the program if I need to. However, my current thought is maybe I need to extend my program to at least the semester following next summer, so that I can do an internship next summer.

However, this makes me think maybe I should be writing a thesis or do a creative project instead of an internship. Yet, my view of ministry has changed so drastically from anything else I have ever done, that I feel like I need to do an internship. Maybe I am just completely freaked out that I won't and am not ready for life and ministry. I'm just at a very confusing point of life in general. Therefore, my own insecurity and vainglorious need for approval. And parents make life difficult when you are still supported financially in most ways by them. I feel like I am not capable or allowed to be an adult or who I am supposed to be.

Relinquo Vestigium