happy birthday?

So, yesterday was my birthday... and it was kinda crappy... I mean, it's just another day, but still you kind of want it to be a great day... and so I want to complain for two seconds about how I worked for 7 hours and then locked my keys in my car.

I am very thankful for friends, like LZ, who will help me out and drive around for far too long just so I can get my spare key and get me into my car.

I had a good time at the Oscar's party I went to, so my day ended well! Just wanted to talk about how the first half sucked...

purpose?

What is life all about? What's the point of it all? What's my purpose? Do I have a purpose? Am I supposed to make an impact in some way? How am I supposed to leave a legacy?

I'm at a very odd place in life. I feel called to do ministry and feel like it is what I am supposed to do. Yet, hearing statements like, "Because ministry makes you feel good, does not mean you are supposed to do it." Some how I feel like this has influenced why I am going into ministry. I feel like kids have made me feel alive. Every interaction with a child my heart soars and fills me with such joy. However, I understand ministry is not for me, it is for the children. I am so confused at the point of what I am actually supposed to do with my life. 

If ministry is completely removed from my life as an option, what would I do? Honesty, if being able to work with kids was removed from my life I'd fall to pieces. The only thing I could possibly do it teach math. Which, no matter how much I miss math, does not excite me. 

I am very excited for my possible opportunity to go overseas with KidsAlive International this summer. However, I have been made aware of the things that are going on and need change in my life so that I can do affective ministry. Therefore, even though I would have an amazing time, pour my heart out, and, yet, not minister in the way I desire to do. However, if I do not do this internship this summer, I would have to do an internship next summer, which would prolong my education at Wheaton. If I were to somehow become a GRA, I would be able to extend my program over the next two years. This freaks my momma out for some reason. I am totally fine with extending the program if I need to. However, my current thought is maybe I need to extend my program to at least the semester following next summer, so that I can do an internship next summer.

However, this makes me think maybe I should be writing a thesis or do a creative project instead of an internship. Yet, my view of ministry has changed so drastically from anything else I have ever done, that I feel like I need to do an internship. Maybe I am just completely freaked out that I won't and am not ready for life and ministry. I'm just at a very confusing point of life in general. Therefore, my own insecurity and vainglorious need for approval. And parents make life difficult when you are still supported financially in most ways by them. I feel like I am not capable or allowed to be an adult or who I am supposed to be.

Relinquo Vestigium

theology?

Why does theology have to be so deep and difficult to figure things out? Why can't we just read Scripture and then we have our theology? I mean, technically, that is what we do, but for some reason people can't seem to agree on what they have read.

There are some things in theology that have been ingrained into my head, so when I go to evaluate and look at what I am discussing, I know I will not change my mind on it. Other areas are not as firm in my head to agree with the way I grew up. This means I am changing the way I believe on some things and not in others.

However, this does not make things any easier when trying to find a church that believes the same way as I do. I understand that I am most likely not going to find a Pentecostal church that believes the way I am changing my views on children and ministry toward children. Yet, I know that there are churches out there that will be okay with the fact that I do believe in the moving of the Spirit in a Pentecostal manner.

Then, one of my biggest things that are ingrained into me is the view on eternal security. Even 20 years ago when my parents started going to an Assemblies of God church, it happened because they were looking for a church that did not teach "once saved, always saved." Now, when I had to evaluate this for my theology class last semester, I tried to have an open mind on things (although, I'm pretty sure I had some shocked faces at different parts of Calvinism's points). Yet, when I really got into it, my biggest qualm was with the term "elect." Therefore, I had to calm down that uneasiness before saying that I would agree with Calvinism or Arminianism. I even looked at the A/G position paper on "Security of the Believer" to see what the A/G believes about the subject on paper. In the end, I could not agree with Calvinism and decided I am an Arminian.

Now, I am looking at my view of children due to my Children's Ministry class and I cannot agree with the conversional approach to children's ministry. I believe that Christian nurture is one of the best ways to raise children, but it should not be left solely to the parents. I believe that the faith community needs to come alongside the parents and help nurture and raise the children of faith, which is the covenantal approach.

However, the covenantal view is more associated with Reformed traditions, at least to my current knowledge. I keep trying to find the idea of combining this covenantal approach and my Arminian beliefs, but it doesn't seem to be happening in a church somewhere. I was looking at the Evangelical Presbyterian Church earlier and kept thinking that it looks like it might be something to check into. But the more I was digging for answers (in other words actually go take a look at the Westminster Confession of Faith) I realized that it is still a Calvinist based belief system.

Now, this does not mean I am completely ruling out churches that believe in Calvinism. I am attending a Reformed church on Sunday evenings. But at this moment in time when I am searching for a church (and in some ways a church tradition), I would like to be able to find a church that would uphold similar beliefs to what I hold. I am going out and trying new church experiences! And I love it! I need it right now in my life, but sometimes I still cling to the concept (which was ingrained in my head) of finding a "home" church, going regularly, and getting involved. I know it is a time of breaking a lot of habits and patterns from the past, but it isn't an easy task, even in church decision making. I guess not finding a church that agrees with my beliefs is a good thing, so that I continue on this little journey of faith.

Funny Little Thing: Sleep.

Does anyone else find sleep to be a completely odd concept?

I think it's really weird that we get tired that we lay our bodies down and then they just turn off by themselves. We don't do anything for around 8 hours and then we regain the use, our consciousness. God is a BIG God, and He created funny little things, like sleep... I feel like there could have been some completely different way for Him to decide a way for us to rest (of course He could have), but sometimes I wonder why He created sleep. Even when we sit down to rest, sometimes our bodies just take over and turn off and we get a 45 minute nap. I feel like I'm the only one that finds this to be a weird concept.

Although, however weird a concept I find it to be, it is a beautiful and most cherished one! Gotta love sleep!

Who knew this would be my first thoughts waking up this morning? Haha...

identity?

Why are humans so scared of getting "fixed"?

Why do we wallow around in a loss of who we are?

What is the rationalization of the fear of finding one's identity?

Are we truly scared of finding out who we truly are or is it that we are scared that we can't live up to who we really are?

I have no answer to these questions. I just know that I fit the category of not truly knowing who I am. Am I scared to become who I have been created to be? Or do I feel like I am going to epically fail at being who I am supposed to be?

Does wanting to please others get in the way of living the life that God has created me to live? Is it really so difficult to dig into yourself and find who you really are?

I don't really get it, why can't we just suck it up, go through the pain, and grow up into who we are meant to be? I have no idea on any of this, but I sure would like to know how to get over these questions and figure out who the heck I am so I can become him.