Perfect Babies.

Ever since a conversation with a friend and mentor trying to deepen my understanding and my own personal theology of the child, I have noticed that most people do not realize babies are a part of humanity. What I mean by that is where I got my title for this post. People see babies and think "Oh, they're so perfect." This is even ingrained into our minds through television. Two of my shows that I try to keep up with from this week referenced babies as perfect. Yes, babies are wonderful and I would love to have one, but that doesn't change the fact that they are a part of a fallen, human race. They are not perfect. The second that they hit walking or speaking times, we see their ability to do what they want to do--to be selfish. (Written two months ago and drafted for some reason).

And now, I've had the opportunity to hang out with my new nephew (born two weeks-ish after the above paragraph). However, my thoughts were not that he is perfect. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE him to death. And I think the world of him. Yet, I know he has been born into this fallen world and my prayer over my nephew was that he be protected from the things of this world. I know that he will have his own issues some day, but I prayed that God would help him through those problems. I prayed that he would be always know the love, grace, and peace of the Godhead. I prayed that he would never know a day without Christ that he would always want to serve and follow the Lord. It bothers me that people, even Christians, think children are perfect. Yet, they are still a wonderful gift from God.

funny little thing: Service Trips

So, I was reading a friend's blog and he was discussing his first missions trip (which was overseas) had greatly impacted his life. It made me remember that every time I have gone on a service trip someone makes that statement that the trip will change your life.

I have been on 4 overseas trips and a couple of domestic trips. However, only one of those trips (a domestic one) would I have stated changed my life after returning. Yet, looking back over the past 7 years that I have done trips, I can remember each trip. And each one did impact my life in some way. The trips might not have greatly changed plans in my life (or might not have done so immediately). Yet, each one has had their moments in time to influence my life.

Summer 2004: El Salvador.
I did not think the trip changed my life. I left El Salvador confused out of my mind about a possible calling to go to Chile someday, possibly full-time. I realized that there was a lot more to my life that needed to be figured out. The confusion continues about Chile. However, I hold on to a burden that I know God once gave me.

Summer 2005: El Salvador.
I had forgotten about Chile to some extent. However, I know that I ended up standing in the same spot as the previous year and felt a serious pulling towards Chile again. To me this was a confirmation about going there someday. However, something that I find extremely interesting is something
written in my journal. I wrote that I was looking forward to "Children's Ministry and pastorship." Ok, I mean, I know I had always thought about Children's Ministry as a volunteer or "side job" kind of thing. Yet, when you throw the word pastorship in, it really makes things more full-time and permanent. I didn't realize until FIVE years later that I was considering full-time ministry at this point in my life. Because to me it wasn't until my sophomore year of college that I started thinking about full-time Children's Ministry. After this trip is when I started collecting flags from other countries, which I started with Chile (for some reason I didn't get El Salvador until much later).

Spring 2008: Macedonia
This trip I presumed that I would be leading the trip the following year (which I did). However, this is the trip that truly introduced me to Europe's Children (formerly known as Save Europe's Children). I still have it in the back of my head that I will work with them someday. This trip was one that stretched me and helped me to grow a TON. I have been attempting to not be a picky eater since this trip. And it helped birth a passion for the children of Europe that still grows in my heart today.

Summer 2008: Pittsburgh
I went with a team of 4th and 5th graders. I was an intern and one of the adult staff of the trip. This showed me the ministry capabilities of children. It was an honor and pleasure working with these kids who had a passion to serve. Now, in Grad School I find that it is so important that people of all ages are ministering together and with each other. Reinforces what I saw on this trip.

Spring 2009: Romania
I led this trip. And I sometimes state that it was my least favorite service trip so far. However, I definitely grew and was prepared for future events through this experience. It was a tough, but good trip. We felt like tourists just as much as we did ministers. However, God still used these experiences to shape me and my view of service trips.

Spring 2011: Chicago
Life changed. I was a co-leader for this trip. As a grad student leading a team of undergrads was a truly amazing experience and God worked in my life a lot on this trip. It is the only trip that I left knowing that God changed my life. And God is still using events, people, and conversations from this trip in my life. There is a blog in my blog purgatory that I need to write about this trip so I won't write much here. Yet, this trip was phenomenal and I will write about it soon, even though it was months ago. I know I need to.


So, I can look back (and recognize even better than I did here) and see that each trip I have been on has changed my life. Maybe I didn't feel a huge shift in my spirit. Maybe I didn't see a huge change in my life right away. However, each trip has shaped some aspect my life to create exactly who I am right now. So, next time I question something influencing my life, I must remember the words of my best friend Steph: Everything will change your life.

fast...: What Do I Know of Holy?

So, I'm sitting on my bed reading Mockingjay (the third book from the Hunger Games trilogy, check them out!). "What Do I Know of Holy?" plays this song has been one of my favorites, but something hit me today while it played.

It was one line (but, I'm going to quote two) that caught my attention and took my thoughts to the greatness of God.

"What do I know of You/Who spoke me into motion?"

Think about that for a moment. Ponder it. Really think.

God speaking things into motion, we think of the creation story. We think of God speaking and creating through the Word. (This is about to get me onto another tangent... oops!) "Let there be light!" And there was light, and so forth. Until God created man. Combining the creation accounts from Genesis 1 and 2, we know that God breathed life into the dust that became Adam. Yet, God spoke first that He would create man in His image.

How often do we stop here thinking that God quit speaking human life into motion? That it is all now up to man and woman to have sex in order to have children. That the creation of human life is a completely biological, human occurrence. I know we know the verse from Psalm 139 that says God formed me in my mother's womb. Yet, really, we still think that it just happens because of the sex.

No child is an accident, because the Creator of the universe is still creating human life. He is the one who speaks our essence into being. I still think of Him just as a Creator at the beginning of time. Yet, he creates new life everyday. My little nephew growing in my sister's uterus, though not planned by her, was a new life that God created within her. All the babies being born right now. All those who are pregnant right now. God created new life, He spoke them into motion.

This hit me hard enough to pull away from my book. Isn't God unfathomable at times? And honestly, this doesn't even touch my normal thoughts on this song.

More posts of songs that hit me to come.

Spiritual Discipline?: Fasting

Obviously, I don't presume many people to read my blog. However, I still like to write in it every now and then. I have a couple different posts floating in my head. One or two have been started and stalled for some poor reason.

However, onto the topic at hand.

I took a summer intensive course where I went to class for a week. Over the course of 6 weeks (a week prior to the class, the week of class, and a month following the class), I wrote papers on, studied, and learned about Discipleship. It was a phenomenal course and I really took a lot with me.

The course covered spiritual disciplines, which leads me to this blogpost. I am currently in the middle of a "fast." I never really thought I was practicing a spiritual discipline with this current fast, but at some point I realized that I am. So, I am not currently listening to secular music (well, when I have control of the music). This is an extremely difficult task for me. I didn't completely renounce Christian music when I started listening to other kinds. Yet, more recently I just realized how rough my spirit must be with all the music I am pouring into it. I still really enjoy Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and the lot of them all on the pop radio stations. However, I felt like it was time to pour something more positive and encouraging (ok, KLOVE joke!, but kind of serious in that creepy kind of way) into my spirit.

I have found that there is Christian music out there that I enjoy. And I have found that I really do sense a difference in my spirit. I never set a time limit or "boundary" for my fast so it is an indefinite one, which I know will end at some point. Yet, for now I know this is what I need to be doing. Even when I'm really screwing up with focusing on Christ and the last thing I want to listen to is "Jesus music," I tell myself that I have to. It may not be what I want to listen to, but it helps anyway, especially with some of the songs I've been listening to. This leads me to the reason I started posting at all.

I am sitting here reading in bed and listening to my "Jesus music." I tell you what, every now and then I just get so wrapped up in a song that I can't focus on my reading. It happened yesterday, too. And a week and a half ago, it happened while driving in my car. I almost started crying when I finally fully heard a song instead of just promos on the radio for it. These things may just be a line or may be the whole song.

Sometimes, my spirit just gets overwhelmed and I can't help but start to pray, which is weird 'cause this isn't something I have done in a while. Yet, I like it because I see growth and a love for my Savior in a way that I have either never seen or haven't seen in a long time.

This excites me and kind of scares me, but it's a good thing!
So, look for my posts (yes, I'm going to write the first one now) about these songs that keep doing something in my mind or heart.

funny little thing: Pacifism

My friend, Stephen, has been posting a blog series on Pacifism. If you know me well (or maybe just stumbled into the right conversation or moment), you know I would consider my self at least a semi-pacifist if not a "full blown" pacifist. So here's the links to his series so far: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. They are great reads if the topic interests you, which I feel like it should even if it does not ordinarily. And below is to the series thus far. He asked for feedback and this is how I'm giving it to him. So, the writing style is geared towards him, hence the "you"'s and such.

I have really enjoyed these blog posts. Are there more is that the conclusion of the set?

I am one who claims to be a semi-pacifist and mostly because I haven't taken the time to discover what it truly means to be a pacifist. Now, with looking at the etymology of the term, I'd say Harmony as my top (and strongest [or is it weakest]) strength, I can be labeled as a peacemaker (at least most of the time) and therefore pacifist.

However, my natural repulsion towards violence cannot be the only thing that would label me a pacifist in today's use of the term. I know in the first blog, you listed out questions and even said that to be a pacifist can be viewed unAmerican. Yet, the further you got into the series, the more it became about violence alone. Are you steering away from or is it just unanswered for you, still, about positions with war? The Israelites went to battle and God was there with them. God took them into battle, prolonged battle, and helped them to win the battle. What is your opinion on that and the violence implied with war.

Also, some would say that God is a violent God because he sends/will send people to hell. I presume you would say that this is a form of punishment for our wrongdoing. However, destroying the WHOLE earth except for 1 righteous man and his family and 2 of each kind of animal is a really intense (and violent) action. I would think that some people would say God is punishing violence with violence, which doesn't make sense to me. What are your thoughts on that?

This leads me to a few more questions, yet they are for your personal opinion:
What is your stand on war?
What was your response/reaction to the death of Osama bin Laden? Your reaction towards the over-patriotic responses on the internet? Your reaction to the over-Biblical responses to the rejoice of his death?
What should the basis for pacifism be? That God punishes pacifism and should, therefore, be a moral basis for pacifism?
What are your thoughts on self-defense? Delegated defense? Initiating violence? Retaliation?

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog set. I hope there are more. Your points and support were great and made great sense. Plus, I'm glad somewhere along the journey you've found that God has grace and doesn't hate you for stealing a toy! It's something I'm still learning.
I hope you can respond to my questions throughout my blog and these at the end. And I am definitely good with "I don't know"/"I'm not sure" answers, because I know that ALL of life is a journey including learning and formulating opinions and such.
Thanks, man!

summer course?

Dear homework during the first week of summer,

I hate your face. I just finished my first year of grad school and don't know why I chose to take a one week intensive a week and a half after my last class period. I do not have motivation to read these books or write a couple papers. Please just do yourself a favor and go away.

Cordially,
Brandon Michael


Ok, so I'm pumped for having Dan Haase as a prof and the content of the course is going to be awesome. Yet, homework during my first week of summer blows.

rapture?

So, I'm in the library working on my Lit. Review, reading an article. While rubbing my eye, I hear a noise and look up. The picture is what I see. The girl who had been sitting there was completely gone nowhere to be seen. I didn't see her get up I didn't hear her leave. It's like the rapture happened! Good thing I know I'm going with Jesus at the Second Coming!

And, of course, as I'm finishing up, she returns to her seat and sits down, attending to her work again.

scripture?

I've got a bunch of different posts floating in my head right now. But this is the one that I feel like I am able to make time for.

Scripture is so vital. Yet, I have become so accustomed to letting my Bible just lay around untouched. Or if I do touch it, it's for school. Don't get me wrong going to a Christian school was an amazing opportunity and blessing. Even getting to do higher education in Christian schools has been a huge blessing. Yet, it has almost desensitized me to Scripture and its power. I feel like it is just another text book, so you pick it up for class and only dig in for a test or quiz.

But Scripture is our lifeline to God. It is so necessary for life. I find that the days I start in Scripture are better ones overall. I am ready to stand against temptations and weaknesses, because I have spent time with the Living Word (Jesus) by getting into the written (logos) Word. And the days I don't allow myself to dig into Scripture are rougher, temptation abounds and my fleshliness wants to cave in to the things that my fleshly self desires. I mean, even to just being open and willing to pray for someone. Not saying that I will pray for them, but actually doing it right there on the spot. My flesh says just say the words, "I'll be praying for you," the days I don't get into Scripture. Really, it says the same on the "good" days, but because I have spent that time in Christ, my flesh is easily overcome and I am empowered to pray for a person. I know that seems kind of dumb, but it's really how I see it.

Scripture is not about knowing facts and lists and things about God. It's about the transformational interaction with God.

I've made a goal this year to spend more days in Scripture than not. Am I beating myself over the head when I don't get into Scripture? No. But I can see the effects and it makes me want to get into Scripture the next day. Do I have a set time for getting into the Word? Yes and no. I have times of the day that I would prefer to get into Scripture, but if I am not able to do so at that time (say I overslept), I just try to still get it in that day at some point.
God has given me grace. So, I should give myself some, too.

happy birthday?

So, yesterday was my birthday... and it was kinda crappy... I mean, it's just another day, but still you kind of want it to be a great day... and so I want to complain for two seconds about how I worked for 7 hours and then locked my keys in my car.

I am very thankful for friends, like LZ, who will help me out and drive around for far too long just so I can get my spare key and get me into my car.

I had a good time at the Oscar's party I went to, so my day ended well! Just wanted to talk about how the first half sucked...

purpose?

What is life all about? What's the point of it all? What's my purpose? Do I have a purpose? Am I supposed to make an impact in some way? How am I supposed to leave a legacy?

I'm at a very odd place in life. I feel called to do ministry and feel like it is what I am supposed to do. Yet, hearing statements like, "Because ministry makes you feel good, does not mean you are supposed to do it." Some how I feel like this has influenced why I am going into ministry. I feel like kids have made me feel alive. Every interaction with a child my heart soars and fills me with such joy. However, I understand ministry is not for me, it is for the children. I am so confused at the point of what I am actually supposed to do with my life. 

If ministry is completely removed from my life as an option, what would I do? Honesty, if being able to work with kids was removed from my life I'd fall to pieces. The only thing I could possibly do it teach math. Which, no matter how much I miss math, does not excite me. 

I am very excited for my possible opportunity to go overseas with KidsAlive International this summer. However, I have been made aware of the things that are going on and need change in my life so that I can do affective ministry. Therefore, even though I would have an amazing time, pour my heart out, and, yet, not minister in the way I desire to do. However, if I do not do this internship this summer, I would have to do an internship next summer, which would prolong my education at Wheaton. If I were to somehow become a GRA, I would be able to extend my program over the next two years. This freaks my momma out for some reason. I am totally fine with extending the program if I need to. However, my current thought is maybe I need to extend my program to at least the semester following next summer, so that I can do an internship next summer.

However, this makes me think maybe I should be writing a thesis or do a creative project instead of an internship. Yet, my view of ministry has changed so drastically from anything else I have ever done, that I feel like I need to do an internship. Maybe I am just completely freaked out that I won't and am not ready for life and ministry. I'm just at a very confusing point of life in general. Therefore, my own insecurity and vainglorious need for approval. And parents make life difficult when you are still supported financially in most ways by them. I feel like I am not capable or allowed to be an adult or who I am supposed to be.

Relinquo Vestigium

theology?

Why does theology have to be so deep and difficult to figure things out? Why can't we just read Scripture and then we have our theology? I mean, technically, that is what we do, but for some reason people can't seem to agree on what they have read.

There are some things in theology that have been ingrained into my head, so when I go to evaluate and look at what I am discussing, I know I will not change my mind on it. Other areas are not as firm in my head to agree with the way I grew up. This means I am changing the way I believe on some things and not in others.

However, this does not make things any easier when trying to find a church that believes the same way as I do. I understand that I am most likely not going to find a Pentecostal church that believes the way I am changing my views on children and ministry toward children. Yet, I know that there are churches out there that will be okay with the fact that I do believe in the moving of the Spirit in a Pentecostal manner.

Then, one of my biggest things that are ingrained into me is the view on eternal security. Even 20 years ago when my parents started going to an Assemblies of God church, it happened because they were looking for a church that did not teach "once saved, always saved." Now, when I had to evaluate this for my theology class last semester, I tried to have an open mind on things (although, I'm pretty sure I had some shocked faces at different parts of Calvinism's points). Yet, when I really got into it, my biggest qualm was with the term "elect." Therefore, I had to calm down that uneasiness before saying that I would agree with Calvinism or Arminianism. I even looked at the A/G position paper on "Security of the Believer" to see what the A/G believes about the subject on paper. In the end, I could not agree with Calvinism and decided I am an Arminian.

Now, I am looking at my view of children due to my Children's Ministry class and I cannot agree with the conversional approach to children's ministry. I believe that Christian nurture is one of the best ways to raise children, but it should not be left solely to the parents. I believe that the faith community needs to come alongside the parents and help nurture and raise the children of faith, which is the covenantal approach.

However, the covenantal view is more associated with Reformed traditions, at least to my current knowledge. I keep trying to find the idea of combining this covenantal approach and my Arminian beliefs, but it doesn't seem to be happening in a church somewhere. I was looking at the Evangelical Presbyterian Church earlier and kept thinking that it looks like it might be something to check into. But the more I was digging for answers (in other words actually go take a look at the Westminster Confession of Faith) I realized that it is still a Calvinist based belief system.

Now, this does not mean I am completely ruling out churches that believe in Calvinism. I am attending a Reformed church on Sunday evenings. But at this moment in time when I am searching for a church (and in some ways a church tradition), I would like to be able to find a church that would uphold similar beliefs to what I hold. I am going out and trying new church experiences! And I love it! I need it right now in my life, but sometimes I still cling to the concept (which was ingrained in my head) of finding a "home" church, going regularly, and getting involved. I know it is a time of breaking a lot of habits and patterns from the past, but it isn't an easy task, even in church decision making. I guess not finding a church that agrees with my beliefs is a good thing, so that I continue on this little journey of faith.

Funny Little Thing: Sleep.

Does anyone else find sleep to be a completely odd concept?

I think it's really weird that we get tired that we lay our bodies down and then they just turn off by themselves. We don't do anything for around 8 hours and then we regain the use, our consciousness. God is a BIG God, and He created funny little things, like sleep... I feel like there could have been some completely different way for Him to decide a way for us to rest (of course He could have), but sometimes I wonder why He created sleep. Even when we sit down to rest, sometimes our bodies just take over and turn off and we get a 45 minute nap. I feel like I'm the only one that finds this to be a weird concept.

Although, however weird a concept I find it to be, it is a beautiful and most cherished one! Gotta love sleep!

Who knew this would be my first thoughts waking up this morning? Haha...

identity?

Why are humans so scared of getting "fixed"?

Why do we wallow around in a loss of who we are?

What is the rationalization of the fear of finding one's identity?

Are we truly scared of finding out who we truly are or is it that we are scared that we can't live up to who we really are?

I have no answer to these questions. I just know that I fit the category of not truly knowing who I am. Am I scared to become who I have been created to be? Or do I feel like I am going to epically fail at being who I am supposed to be?

Does wanting to please others get in the way of living the life that God has created me to live? Is it really so difficult to dig into yourself and find who you really are?

I don't really get it, why can't we just suck it up, go through the pain, and grow up into who we are meant to be? I have no idea on any of this, but I sure would like to know how to get over these questions and figure out who the heck I am so I can become him.

Vampires, Problems, and Home: Oh My!

So, obviously, since I last blogged, I finished the Twilight Saga. LOVED IT!!! The day I got back home I went Jordan's and we started Eclipse (film) and then I finished the next day and together the next night. I now own it and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella. So I'm slightly Twilight crazy at the moment! But that's ok, cause I've got Jordan to talk to about it! We just can't do so around LZ...

Christmas came and went. New Year's came and went. Christmas was odd, because we're normally the last family to leave we left immediately after eating. Then the rest time at home was just TV watching, shopping, relaxing. I did not get into my more "productive" reading as I would have liked. But I am into a few of the books I want to be reading. I went to DC for New Year's!! I took one of my high school best friends back up to Shepherdstown on the way. So we had fun road trip and then I spent time with BFF Steph for the weekend! It was relaxing, just chilling together. So it was super fun! Then I went home for a couple more days and came back on Wednesday the 5th. Saw Jordan that night, went to coffee with Kirsten on Thursday, bought books, went to the GECRC for tutoring, saw Stephen Feith for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, then finished Eclipse with Jordan. So, it was definitely good to be back in town.

Wait? What about those problems mentioned? I never my truck in the previous blog, so here there are now and the span from when I left for home until the Monday classes began. When I leaving town, I was about 40 minutes out, I broke down... Six and a half hours later, I was on the rode again, with new hoses or something on my transmission stuff. (I don't know car lingo and I forget the words they had told me...) Then after the 8 hour drive, I was 10 minutes from home and my truck does the exact same thing. So I was truckless over break. It got a whole new transmission while home. I took my dad's car to DC, so the truck stayed home. Then I drive my truck all the way back to Carol Stream, getting off the exit 5 miles from my apartment, the Service Engine Light comes on and I'm freaking 'cause a similar thing was happening as before. I realized that it was different and the truck was still semi-drivable. So I took it to Advanced later and had them put the scanner on it. The next morning the truck got towed, I get a rental (due to the nice warranty on the transmission just placed in the truck), and I was in the rental until Monday when I picked up my truck. Then it was still being funny. So I took it back on Tuesday to the shop, and well it semi-disappeared, but didn't. So, I'm just accelerating lightly from 0 until I can take it back to WV.

So, that's right in the middle of all the things earlier. But then Friday night I had friends over to my apartment and we played Disney Scene It and started Baby Mama. Sunday was church and resting. Sunday night, I went to Jordan's service at College Church and went to Chipotle with the Libby girls, Jordan, and new friend Micah. Then I went over to Torrey's for some Just Dance 2!

Classes Started on Monday, but this week was semi-intense. So, I'll blog about it later. Plus, I need to start getting on to making my salsas for the CFM gathering tonight! Super excited to welcome in the new students to the program!!